The Growlithe Filter
by Arkytal
Summary: A pro gamer has to embark on the Pokemon journey at age 18, and is woefully aware of how corny the whole concept is. Plot-driven humor everywhere. And there's an Eevee that thirsts for blood. And a Pichu with a glass eye.    Now making PETA activists mad with every chapter!
1. Chapter 1: Where's the ceiling?

Suspension of Disbelief  
>A truly terrible Pokemon fanfic<p>

Unlike most 10 year olds, I opted out on going on a Pokemon journey. I had broken my leg the month before, and I had moved from Dewford Town in Hoenn to Pallet Town in Kanto the month before that. So I was stuck inside for several months, subsisting off of ramen and Mtn. Dew., whilst nursing a serious addiction to StarCraft, Half Life 2, and the king of games, Counterstrike. I became a pro gamer, never needing friends elsewhere, I had all the friends I needed in the games. Fast forward 8 years, I'm living in my mom's basement. I graduated high school and was paying my rent with money earned at StarCraft tournaments. I haven't even turned 18 yet, and Im set for a sedentary lifestyle of comfort and gam-

Hang on, my mom is calling me.

"Yeah mom?" I yelled out, hearing her enter my cave of Ancients. And I see my CAT45 Ethernet plug in her hand. Now Im pissed. See, my mom thinks I should get a job or at least some more "real world experience" as she calls it.

"Seth, I have found a wonderful opportunity for you! You need to get cleaned up and head over to Professor Oak's lab right away!"

I know better than to argue with her; last time I did, I figured out why she keeps a Mr. Mime around, and it's not just for doing laundry. I'm still apprehensive around that thing when it's peeling potatoes.

I grabbed a pair of gym shorts and a Portal shirt, swapped sets of clothes, and shaved for the first time in 3 months. I climbed up out of the manhole that concealed my mancave, and walked the 45 feet to the huge lab the kooky old guy ran. Before I could knock, the door was flung open by creepy McHeadcrab himself. He had a Jigsaw quality creeper grin, to which I responded with "Yo."

He stared straight ahead and started his speech.  
>"Hello, and welcome to the world of Pokemon! My name is Oak, and this is a pokemon!" He sent out a Nidoran F as he did so, which proceeded to take a leak on him, of which he was oblivious to. "Some people use pokemon as pets. Others Keep them as companions and train them to fight one another!" I use them for cheap labor and hilarity. "I, on the other hand, study Pokemon! But enough about me, tell me s little bit about yourself. Are you a girl or a boy?"<p>

This guy is whacked. But he looks like he carries knives in his shoes like [BSB] Nihlius does.

"Boy..."  
>One fake smile and change of pants later!<br>Oh, he totally noticed. Ew.  
>"Great! And what's your name?"<p>

"Seth. Seth Pavlov. No relation to 'Kill all the Rocket Grunts' Pavlov, sadly."  
>At this point, he grabbed my hand and led me to his lab. Pointing to a table with 5 pokeballs on it, he said,<p>

"Thats great! Your own Pokemon adventure is about to unfold! To begin this journey, please select 2 of the 5 Pokeballs that are on that table. I used to be a highly prolific trainer, but in my old age, only 5 remain."

I examined each one, which had a display stand next to each one that indicated which little beastie was chilling in each ball. Heh. Ball.

There was Bulbasaur first. A dinosaur thing with a giant plant on its back? I have to water it AND feed it? Screw that, I can barely remember to feed a Magikarp. Next.

Metapod, a 3ft long 21 lb green cocoon that apparently knows Stun Spore, Harden, Pound, and String Shot?Holy tapdancing Jesus, thats hilarious. I'm taking this. Hehe, Pound.  
>Five minutes later, before realzing I had to put it in the pokeball before putting it in my pocket, I moved on.<p>

Next was Mime Jr. It's cold, unfeeling eyes were staring back at me.

NEXT!

The next "not nightmare fuel" option was Bidoof. A fat, retarded beaver that sounds like an elephant passing a kidney stone? No. Not another one. It's like that video of a Tropius with the runs. Ugh...Fruit only diets give you some interesting bowel stew.

And lastly we have a- OMG ITS SOOOOO CUTE. Eevee. Must have. Five finger discount coming right up! Wait. It's free. Shit. I glance around to see if I can palm anything else in this loon's lab, but looks like everything is bolted down. Literally. Even the freaking potted plants have rivets in them!

Damn, this guy is crazier than a brick shithouse.

Oh hey, Nidopiss is talking. I'll listen for a little bit.

"A Normal type and a Bug type? Unconventional choices, to be sure, but I'm sure you do just fine. Here, have these Pokeballs, they'll assist you in your journey to CATCH 'EM ALL!"

He shouted those last 3 words, making me cringe. This HAS to be government sponsored somehow, it wouldn't be so cheesy otherwise. Then he hands me 4 Pokeballs. Wait.

FOUR? I thought I got 5-ahhh, I'm starting off with 2, so it must be to make a full party of 6. But the only real limit with how many pokemon you can carry is only due to what you can realistically care for. Hence why little kids have a shit-ton of bugs, and those random hobo's on news feeds about Mt. Moon only have one Pokemon. 

Anyways, I left Kookie's lab and went to pack my backpack of everything I'd need for my "epic" journey. So I just threw about a months' supply of granola bars and several Monsters, and about 10,000 yen to boot, just so I wouldn't have to engage in too many mutant cockfights to get enough cash to get...more granola bars and Monster. Yum.

I also grabbed a can of pepper spray, because lets face it, pedos just fucking CONGREGATE around kids doing their Pokemon journey. There was this couple on the news a few years ago, they followed a kid from around here across SIX REGIONS. He managd to get tailed across Kanto, Johto, the Orange Islands, Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Unova. Mad props for being able to beat the Elite Four in each, but seriously, tailed by this couple and their weird cat, in a FCUKING HOT AIR BALLOON, for over EIGHT HUNDRED MILES. This planet sucks.

And last but not least, turned off my computer after explaining to my friends that, yes, I, the great StarCraft pro, was going to be AFK for the better part of 6 months to go complete the Pokemon journey because his mother wanted him to, and if I didn't, I'd need another round of skin grafts to a sensitive area.

I put on some Vans I've worn for the past 3 years, said goodbye to my mother, and set off for ADVENTURE!

Only to run into thick grass not 10 feet outside town. The road was an absolute wreck. It had turned into a dirt path with thick ass grass on both sides, sometimes covering the path, and 10 foot tall rock overhangs intermittenly spread through the roaf, requiring passage through the grass to get farther. Then again, it's been close to a year and a half since I left Pallet Town, so maybe the government figured it was cool to leave roads in disarray as long as they funded the GoW2 tourney in Pewter City. I have to agree with them there. As long as that crazy bitch with the Torque Bow doesn't show up.

I was staggering through some grass when I felt a tug on my pant leg. I looked down to see a...Rattata, trying to scratch my leg. It's go time, Eevee, you cute sunavabitch!

"Go, Eevee!" And I smashed the Pokeman ball on the ground in a rather dramatic manner. Eevee locked eyes with the weird ass purple rat, and surprisingly, lunged for its throat and tore it out Lord of the Flys style. Or was that the fat kid? Whatever.

After disposing of the dead rat, I tried to clean off Eevee, but it resolutely refused a rag, licking itself clean, which was pretty awesome, seeing as I didn't even have to teach this dog thing to thirst for blood. I returned Eevee and sent out Bohner. Yes, I named the Metapod Bohner. Don't diss! His method of rat termination was slightly less grusome, but equally awesome. It sprinkled yellow stuff on it, and after it stopped moving, leapt up into the air and landed on it. Squish. I returned Bohner after that, seeing as I'm only supposed to fight Pokemon till they're unconscious, not till they resemble so much as gore and purple fur on the side of the road.

We managed to make it up the road to Viridian City without too much hassle, and I even managed to pick up a Potion that someone left in the grass while I was taking a leak. It was starting to get dark, and the Gym looked to be closed for now, so I went to the Pokemon Center to crash for the night. I ended up sleeping in the back of a pickup truck because an old man was lounging in a chair just inside the door, and he had a Mr. Mime seated opposite him. Nightmare fuel is EVERYWHERE!

A/N: And that's the end of the first chapter of this ridiculously premised Pokemon fic, Suspension of Disbelief. Its premise is that a nerd of epic proportions has to go on the Pokemon journey 8 years late, and notices all of the things that makes Pokemon what it is. Roads = ADVENTURE!, for example.

His Pokemon and their levels:

Eevee (yet to be named): Level 7  
>Bohner the Metapod: Level 8 (It started at level 6)<p>

He HATES Mr. Mimes/Mime Jr's., and his Eevee is 10x cooler than you think it is. Reviews would be awesome, I need to know crazy people are reading my crazy ideas! I have retardedly large amounts of time to write this, and since I'm feeling the major apathy for vidya right now, I'll probably crank out 1K words a day. Which reminds me. Would short, 1K words a chapter...chapters be better, or would longer, 2K+ words chapters be better? I prefer shorter, more frequent ones, but w/e.


	2. Chapter 2: All the little things

Suspension of Disbelief  
>Chapter 2<p>

After a fruitful night of absolutely no sleep, I discovered my Eevee was breathing hard, or rather, hardly breathing. It coughed up what looked like a screwdriver, and stumbled around, before finally fainting on the ground. I rushed it inside, braving the sleeping Mr. Mime and its Trainer to throw it onto the counter, behind which I startled some cutesy pink-haired bitch who was reading a magazine. She righted herself, before stating in the most annoying, face meets fist inducing voice,

"Welcome to the Pokemon Center! It seems your Pokemon is sick, would you like us to get it back in shape?"

Without waiting for an answer, Joy (thank god for name tags!) scooped up Eevee, and brought him into a back room. There was a blood stain left on the counter. I wonder if it was the Ratatta's, or his own...ew. It doesn't look congealed, so it must be his-HOLY HELL.

Eevee was deposited in front of me looking ready to disembowel more weaker specimens than itself, which was great, but shit. HOW? Less than 10 seconds ago he looked about ready to kick the bucket and go live in the Giant PC Box in the sky! Medical science is wonderful, but I think this crossed the line straight into voodoo magic. I thanked Joy, and noticed even more amazingly, apparently they offer this voodoo for free! It MUST cause mind control. 'Oh yeah sure, we'll give you free helath care, but then we'll turn your fire dragons and walking guillotines against you!' I went to the PokeMart to pick up some food, but as I set a can of Snapple and some Trail Mix on the counter, I was dragged into casual conversation by the clerk.

"Hey, you're from Pallet Town, right?"

"Yeah...why do you ask?"

"I have a package for Professor Oak. Can you bring it to him?"

"Listen man, I know it must be important and all, but I'm kind of in a hurry, I can't go back there."

"Really? That's great! Here you go!"

And he promptly walked into a back room of the store. Apparently no isn't a valid answer in the real world. DAMNIT. Time to just open up the command prompt and change to True-wait. Shit. Arghhhhhhh.

I left my soon-to-be-purchases on the counter and took the package and checked its contents. There seemed to be some weird PokeBall inside it with a large GS printed above the seal.

As I walked back home, I realized a couple things. One, the road between the towns was less than a quarter of a mile long, and two, it was a lot faster going down to Pallet Town then up to Viridian. In a matter of MINUTES, and without encountering any Pokemon to boot, I reached home sweet...home. I think. I walked casually into the Nidoran Litter Box to see Mr. Crazy himself in the back corner...facing away from the door, making rythmic motions with his thighs. Oh gawd. I think I'll come back later.

Aaaaand he must be telepathic because he just started backing up towards me, still making th motion. When he was near, he flipped around, and I was relieved to see he was only wrestling with some kind of dog. As soon as he saw me he dropped the dog, which whimpered and scampered behind a bookshelf or something. Not important.

"Ahhhh, SETH, back so soon? Oh, it seems you have a package for me!"

The hell? It's still in my bag! WITCHCRAFT, I SAY!

Nonetheless, the package was somehow suddenly in his hands, and he was inspecting the Gold Stuff Ball like a kid on Christmas morning. He was even doing a little jig. Wait, I thought he had arthiritis like nobody's business?

"Thank you for the package! In return, I want you to have this."

Now he's at the other end of the lab! Damnit. I walked up to him, half expecting an eldritch abomination to jump out of the rafters, and he handed me what looked like a Gameboy with no D-pad. Awwww, that's a disappointment. I can't play Digimon on this!

"This is a Pokedex. This will keep track of any Pokemon you see, and will record additional information on any pokemon you capture. It was once my dream to catch one of every Pokemon, but in my old age, it has become clear that I needed to choose a succesor for this task. Out of all the millions of perfectly capable Koreans, you have been chosen! Well, more like you had the lowest APM in the survey so you were chosen by default."

I FUCKING KNEW IT! I knew that my APM would come back to bite me!

Alright, if you don't know what APM is, it stands for Actions Per Minute. This isn't the same thing as keystrokes, but actual in-game actions. In StarCraft, where it is most popularly used, an action could be building a unit, setting a rally point, moving a unit, selecting an area to attack, etc. My APM is right up in the 270s, which is high by any standards, and allows me to win tourneys, but it's slow compared to most Koreans, which, nothing against them, they're all crazy good at StarCraft. It took me YEARS to get that good. And they were like NOPE and beat me consistently. So I was chosen to do this retarded long Pokemon journey because I'm not good enough at StarCraft? Typical. Just typical. W/e, he's talking money now.

"...the Elite Four, you will be awarded with a one million yen prize! If you, aftwerwards, seek out the current Grandmaster and defeat him, then you would be given an enormous purse of TEN MILLION YEN. However, no one has beaten the Grandmaster in the past 259 challenges he's accepted, so it's a shot in a million to beat him. Now, I know you must be ready to go now, but I must first warn you. My grandson is also aspiring to be the Champion and beat the Grandmaster, but he's ruthless. When he worked for me he allowed Team Rocket to come in and experiment on the Pokemon I kept to earn himself extra money. That Eevee of yours has a VERY unstable DNA structure, which may cause side effects, desireable, undesireable, or otherwise. Now, good luck out there!"

He pushed me out the door, and I peeked in to see him back to playing with the dog, which my new Pokedex helpfully described as a Siberian Growlithe. Odd fellow, but he kept the urine inside the Pokemon this time. +1 respect.

Wait. He just gave me sage advice! Holy hell! I waved the Pokedex over my Eevee, and sure as shit on a shingle, it came up with the description 'an Eevee that has been tampered with by outside sources. Appears to be unable to absorb evolution stones or maintain their formes.'

I decided to give my brain a rest, all this weird stuff and big numbers was hurting it something terrible. We began to make our way back up to Viridian, but a Pidgey tried to act all tough with us. Eevee headbutted it, stopped before we had another homicide on our hands. I threw a Pokeball at it, and Eevee jumped on the ball to prevent it from rolling around and escaping.

Damn, I just caught a Pidgey! This shit is eeeeeeaaaaasaaaay!

I'm going to name it Peepy. Sorta like Peppy, except you don't want to punch it in the face after doing a barrel-roll. We made it up to Viridian with only 2 more encounters, which were solved with the awesome command of "Knock it out, don't kill it", which Eevee and Bohner carried out magnificently. Bohner took care of a worm thing that opped out the ground, and apparently forgot how to use String Shot, but learned how to use Poison Sting. I'm sad that I can't use the string shot pun for anything, but poison sting turns Rattata's green and unconscious, so its cool with me. Though I still wonder how the hell Bohner moves. Seriously, as a Metapod it shouldn't be able to move on its own, but it just slides right across the ground, no fucks given. Rocks? No problem, he's a goddamn Metapod.

When we arrived back at the PokeMart, the guy who had asked to embark on that useless errand allowed me to take my purchases for free as a token of thanks. He also told me the "great" news that the order in which Gym challenges were taken in had been changed again, apparently. Now Viridian Gym was the 8th, or Final challenge, in Kanto. Pewter City was now the 1st, and Cerulean was the 2nd. Of course it is. Now I have to get through Viridian Forest to even BEGIN kicking ass and taking names on the Gym level.

I hung around at the arcade Republic Of Gamers practice space on the edge of the city for the rest of the day. Betting was allowed, because the law is lenient, and pretty cool in that particular respect, so I bet on myself every time and made some decent cash without involving mutant dog fighting. They asked me to leave after making 5K yen off of a Gears 2 4v4, making my total winnings 11.5K. We were allowed to form teams with people on our Friends list, so I got Torque Bow Chick and her friend to assist me in mopping up. It was past 8 PM by the time I left so I decided to go get a bunk at the Pokemon Center for the night. Thankfully, I was able to enter without having my reflex of avoiding a certain evolutionary tree of Psychic types being activated. I fell asleep thinking of all the bug bites I was going to get from going through that forest.

A/N: This chapter is slightly longer, and since I've established the story a bit more, is a little more light-hearted. When he explains APM, that is a real thing, but IRL, I don't have an APM that high. I wish. :3 Anyways, hope you liked, it, I plan on updating daily or close to it! Revies would be appreciated, I like to know how people regard my story, and how I can improve my writing style to better suit the story, and vice versa.

There's a shoutout to the Tastychainsaws' Miyuki: Thespian Extraordinaire multiple times throughout this, which, in my opinion, is the greatest Lucky Star fanfic ever written. References to video games, anime, manga, and movies will be very frequent, as this guy is supposed to be a guy who never leaves his basement up until now.

Ciao!  
>Sniffles <p>


	3. Chapter 3: Bug Spray

Suspension of Disbelief

Chapter 3

Bug Spray

A/N: Before I get into this chapter, I'd like to thank everyone for their reviews! To clear up a couple of things, it's supposed to be a real world take on Pokemon seen through a recluse who is blatantly aware of how crazy everything is. I had the idea after reading the fic Pokemon: Lelouch of the Revolution. In it, Grandmaster Red explains his ability to allow every little thing to fall into place for him, like always winning, as being the effect of his Geass. I thought it would be funny if someone was aware of everything happening around them, but was unable to (knowingly) alter it in such a fashion. Bam!, this fic was formed. My writing style isn't for everyone, but hey, thanks for the reviews! And on with the borderline crack, for all who enjoy it!

Eevee (unnamed as of yet): Level 10  
>Bohner: Level 9<br>Peepy: Level 6

After eating some tasty granola bars for brunch (Oran Berry trail mix; It tastes like shit, but it's soooo addicting!), I managed to stagger out of the city by noon. While I was walking towards the entrance to Viridian Forest that was, again, not 400 feet from the city, I figured out that if I pushed down the B on my jacket, which has Balance written in graffiti letters, crossed out, and a Beowulf tank drawn on it, I moved faster. Like, no real reason why, I just move twice as fast. My walking becomes quicker. I tried it while moving in complete opposite directions, and I just zipped up and down the road. It made me doubt the origin of my jacket, which was a consolation prize at a Tribes: Vengeance tournament a couple years back. But enough about me. I entered Viridian Forest with plenty of Antidote, because I was NOT about to let my cannibalistic dog-thing, sand-flinging bird and shell of death get AIDS from some wussy ass bugs.

The first person to challenge me was this little kid who had 6 Weedles. SIX of the little fuckers. I responded in kind by throwing out Eevee, Destroyer of Souls, to get some breakfast. It was like that clip where Bear Grylls eats that huge bug larvae, except Bear Grylls doesn't have claws, fangs, and a thirst for blood unequaled outside of Sparta, and maybe Wall Street. Peepy ctually had to finish off the last one with a beak to the eye because Eevee was too full to move, and the only remains to speak of were the 6th Weedle, sans eyes, and the stingers of the others. I got my winnings from the conquest of the Weedles, and watched as Eevee vomited up Weedle exoskeletons onto the kid's glow-in-the-dark Sketchers. I returned him to his ball to digest his winnings, and sent out Bohner to back up Peepy while we made mockeries of the kids in this forest. Actually, I'd call it more of a patch of trees that only had about 6 divergent paths, and only 1 brought you out to the end.

The 2nd battle with a kid was slightly more interesting. Instead of having some bugs that I could crush underfoot, he had this monstrous scarab beetle type thing with spikes on its head. My Pokedex helpfully identified it as a Pinsir. Haha, pincer. Wait, that thing is against me. Shit. I did the only logical thing and threw Bohner in between the spike-teeth...things. And surprisingly, it worked as an attack. I tried to crack the shell in half, but was apparently so insanely hard that is caused the teeth to shatter, leaving the eyes open to attack from Peepy, who barrel-rolled right into the monster's eyes. One bloody gouge later, I had ruined another child's dream. Whatever, as long as I'm one step closer to getting home before the new series of Digimon airs. As I turned to find more victims, as Eevee was surely ready to fight again, I realized that Bohner was unmoving and starting to glow. It started to float and shake vigorously, which made me wonder if it had the sits or something. Then its shell exploded.

And out came a purple butterfly with with white wings and blue antennae. I basically shit myself, and fumbled for my Pokedex. It told me that this was a Butterfree. Holy shit. My pokemon just evolved! I thought that was relatively rare, but apparently it differs on the Pokemon, because Bohner was NOT my meal-winning poke-man, but as he was no longer phallic in shape, I ran up to him and said in my best British accent, "Sir, I dub thee Anarchy". I put him back in his Pokeball, and as I checked his moveset, I saw that he had learned Confusion, and forgotten Harden. A shame, really. No more hard jokes.

As I was beginning to walk out of the forest after finding 800 yen on the ground in the corner of a couple of trees, a tiny yellow rat ran at me. Peepy side-swiped it with its wing, and my Pokedex, which I was now keeping in my jacket pocket, identified it as a Pichu. It began repeating its message, and I thought it 404'd hard, but I saw another Pichu looking at the first one, which was now kung-fu fighting with Peepy. I figured they must be siblings, because the mother Pikachu was no where to be found. There was no other explanation as to why they were here. I ran over to the lone Pichu who was peeking out of a log, grabbed it by the tail, which, by the way, gave me a static shock like you read about, and held it aloft.

"I claim this Pokemamn in the name of the Diamond Swords!"

And I captured it in the rather unsavory Ghostbusters-y fashion of holding it while sucking it into the Pokeball. Its sibling was distressed at seeing this, and fought off Peepy and ran over to myself, eager to bow down to my sheer awesomeness. I noticed that Peepy was holding one of said Pichu's eyes in its' bloody, bloody talon.

Ew. I wonder if Pokemon Centers can heal dismemberment as missing organs? Probably, those creepy voodoo bastards.

I quickly announced "Peepy, you shall henceforth be known as Skydive, Corrupter of Vision!". Man, I gotta keep track of all these titles.

I then caught the other Pichu in a similar fashion, and gave them fitting names. The one in the log was christened to be Cooper, and the one-eyed specimen was to be called Yellowbeard.

After all that fun with the rodents that WEREN'T Rattata's (I fucking HATE Rattata's), the sun was starting to fall. But I had located the exit to the small forest in time, and strolled into Pewter City with my posse of Poke mans. Or I should say. Pewter Field. This place doesn't have any roads at ALL, barring the path that marks the side of the Gym. It's jut one big huge open space, and buildings dotted all around. Which is odd, because they all seem to have electricity, yet there isn't a single junction box or transformer or power cable to be seen. I even checked the interiors and nothing. For some reason, if you have Pokemon with you, everyone fawns over you and you have access to EVERYONE's houses. I scored a free meal that night for listening to an old man talk about his time fighting demons in Tokyo with a manifestation of his psyche. I thought he was harmless until he took out a deck of playing cards, drew an odd looking Joker, crushed it in his hand. A scary-as-SHIT skeleton demon eldritch abominational THING rose out of the ground and bowed before him. Aaaaaaand THAT's when I decided to get the hell out of there, but the old man stopped me briefly and gave me a CD of some type.

After I was out of the Nightmare House, I inspected the CD, which turned out to be some type of HM, but it had a tag on it that said "Not until Level 85". Below that, in scrawled lettering, were the words "Thou art I and I art thou." And below that "Megidolaon" . I stashed it in my Bag, figuring it couldn't hurt to keep.

I took refuge in the Pokemon Center again, but as it turns out, the eye is one of the FEW parts that they can't regenerate, so they gave Yellowbeard a bitchin' glass eye instead. It was pure white, so one eye was black and the other white. There was a man in the corner who claimed that Yellowbeard needed a new name, so I quickly re-brnaded him YingYang. As I drifted off to sleep, I saw the image of a young boy standing beside the couch I was stretched out on, the feeling of Death surrounding him.

That's not good dream thoughts.

A/N: Alright, sorry for the delay on this! I had to finish my Science Fair project on my own, due to my partner getting suspended for 2 weeks... anyways, I'm putting some influences from other games in here, the most obvious one being the card smashing and what-not. Said series will have an effect on the late-game plot significantly, but not anything that's canon from that particular series. The player character in this (whose name is Seth Pavlov, more references!) will constantly re-name his Pokemon as he sees fit, something I wish you could do at any time in the Pokemon games. It's poking fun at the fact that most people never name them , and in the anime only Richie ever does...

His party is as follows! Their abilities have a larger role than they did in the games, as will be seen next chapter. ...:D

Eevee (will get a name soon!) : Level 11 Ability: ?  
>Anarchy the Butterfree: Level 11 Ability: Levitate<br>Skydive, Corrupter of Vision: Level 12 Ability: Levitate  
>Cooper: Level 7 Ability: Helping Hand<br>YingYang: Level 8 Ability: Helping Hand

Another deviation from the games and such is that he will carry as many Pokemon as he can care for at once. The current party is very light on resources, so he will most likely have 8 or 9 before he discovers the PC system (which he will do in a hilarious way if you know computer hardware.)

If you haven't noticed yet, his pokemon are rather...aggressive for low level Pokemans. This is occuring for a reason. I always thought that how a person's personality was would change the way their Pokemon acted. Team Rocket are assholes, therefore their Pokemon are more likely to be assholes. Jessie and James are incompetent, so therefore their Pokemon are incompetent; so on and so forth. That's all for now, but make sure to keep an eye on this!

**Next chapter: Pewter Gym...Gym battle and other epic shenanigans! **


	4. Chapter 4: Who names chapters anyways?

Pokemon: The Growlithe Filter

Chapter 4

The next day, I was awakened by a strange sight. The two Pichu I caught the day before were on each others shoulders, playing chicken against Eevee and Sky. Yeah, I renamed him Sky just now. I thought the dive was not really needed.

Anyways, they were apparently having Poke-chicken fights in the open field that Pewter city was mostly made of. I watched with several others as Yingyang took out his glass eye and chucked it at Sky, knocking him out and sending Eevee tumbling to the ground. The Pichu's proceeded to do the Shuffle, then ran over to me and perched themselves on my shoulders. But not before putting Yingyang's eye back in, after wiping it off on his fur.

What. Just. Happened.

Apparently the passerby ignored everything, because when I asked them about it, they replied with EXACTLY the sane thing they said yesterday. Creepy. Returning my pokemon to their balls, I took a leisurely stroll to the gym. I was denied entry because APPARENTLY the leader I was to challenge wad out gathering the supplies needed to tend to his garden. Does that mean this is a Grass gym? I hope. Sky will rip them plants UP. Continuing my stroll, I went back to the crazy demon card guy's house, but there was only a ruined 2-story house that looked to have been abandoned years ago. Of course, I'm a goddamn Pokeman trainer, so I waltzed in regardless.

It looked like a generic home, but a large room on the second floor was when shit started to get Reeeeeaaallllyyyy freaky. It was the master bedroom, and a portrait hung over the dusty bed. The man in the portrait was the one I had conversed with yesterday. Under the pirtrait was a plaque that simply read "I G O R".

I walked around the room to the bed, and the eyes on the wall followed me. Did I mention he was smiling a Imma gonna rape you smile? No? Well, he is. At this point I checked to see if I still had the Megidolaon, which I totally did. I need to stop taking so much Tylenol PM. Shits gonna kill me.

I sent out my Pokemans to look around with me when we were attacked by a pokemon that looked akin to a purple ball of Fuck You. My pokedex, which I have clichely name Dex, chimed the description of Gastly, the Ghost pokemon. Real fucking helpful.

I ordered Eevee to tackle it, which went straight through it and slammed into the wall behind it. I then ordered BUTTERFREE to use Confusion on it's purple ass, which had a much greater effect. The Gastly had a seizure and faded away, leaving Eevee with nothing to chew on. He thankfully chose the armchair in the corner, and not my leg. I looked in all the trash cans purely on impulse, and I found not one but TWO highly disturbing objects. One was a bottle of cyanide capsules, and the other was a handgun. I put the bottle in my backpack, because why the hell not, and checked the handgun. It was empty, but there was a round chambered and ready to fire. I put it back in the trash and covered it in used Potion bottles, then left the room nonchalantly. Just kidding, I had Sky tear up that fucking painting. It had à tunnel concealed behind it. Dirt tunnel, might I add.

This place is crazier than the rest of the town. Which is batshit crazy ANYWAYS.

I climbed over the bed and into the tunnel, which led to a ladder that led to a hatch. Opening the hatch, I found myself in the garden next to the Museum on town.

Dafuq.

2nd story passage equals basement to building 400 feet away? Seems legit.

Now questioning my very sanity, I went back to the Gym to determine whether Brock was finished tending to his Zen garden. The gate grunt was gone, so I wandered into the gym, hoping it was Grass type, or maybe water. I missed the sign that said ROCK, but saw the one below it which said Trainer Count: 2.

It wasn't. It was Rock. As evidenced by the 40 foot long rock snake that was curled around a guy who looked like he ate rocks and shit granite...until I saw him spoon feeding it poffins. RAINBOW poffins.

Do I have any pokemon that can kick ass against rocks? Hellllll no. I started across the room to challenge the face raper nine thousand and one.

I was stopped by a boy with a stuffy nose who claimed he was the 2nd best trainer in the gym.

Only 2 trainers. How flattering. He sent out a rock ball with hands that floated and had a face that could pity fools. Dex chimed in oh so helpfully that it was a Geodude. Hehe. Geo. DUDE. Uhhhhh Anyways, I sent out Sky, figuring, why the hell not. He flew up around the ceiling for a few minutes while Rock T attempted to hit it with rocks. After it ran out of rocks, Sky flew to a specific spot above the rockguy's head. And shit on him. The secret 5th attack of any Bird Pokemon! Well, I hope it is, anyways. Otherwise, this is going to be pretty hard to explain…

The projectile feces knocked the 'dude out, as it appears that ANY liquid is extremely harmful to it...

That's one way to do it. Ick. The kid was understandably mad, but did not push the issue, gave me my winners money...and stood there. He didn't move an inch, and stared straight ahead. I walked around him and shoved him from behind, but he didn't budge an inch. More weird shit at every turn!

By now I had my eye on the prize. I walked up to who I assumed was Brock, who was now petting his giant rock snake. I stood in front if him, but noticed his eyes were closed. I looked at him weird, but flinched when he started to speak.

"Hello challenger! I am Brock, the master of rock-hard Pokemon, and the leader of the 1st Pokemon Gym in the Revised Kanto Pokemon League Challenge! What is your name, brave challenger?"

He looked directly at me. With his eyes closed.

Ignoring that fact, I shifted my backpack to my other shoulder.

"Uh, Seth. Are we going to fight or what?"

Brock made a clucking sound with his tongue.

"Indecision in one so young! How do you ever expect to make it far with an attitude like that?"

Dude, you don't look any older than me. Do they give the same shitty book of proverbs to every person in Kanto that has any importance to what I have to do? I'm starting to think so.

With that, he walked to the edge of a large marked area on the floor. He fished a remote out of his pockets and pressed a button on it.

The ceiling began to retract, revealing an area bathed in sunlight that appeared to have been weathered from many a battle.

Brock's rock snake followed him, and rose to its full height. I nearly shit myself. It was almost 10 meters tall. Dex decided to chirp out his description at this point.

"Onyx, the Rock Snake Pokemon. Onyx has a hide tough enough to burrow through bedrock, where it normally makes its nest."

Well great. Bedrock-destroying rock snake. I feel really empowered and ensured of my victory by that.

I walked to the opposite side of the arena. Steeling myself, I drew out all of my pokeballs, looking each of them over.

Then I dropped them.

All of my assorted fighting friends appeared in front of the enormous pokemon.

Sky flew off to the rafters, obviously not wanting anything to do with this. Simon, which I just renamed my Butterfree that, flew up to join Sky in the rafters, no doubt laughing at the beating I was about to receive.

Eevee looked around, before dashing off to a corner of the Gym. It appeared he had found an object in the corner.

The Pichu remained, however, looking at the Onyx with looks of defiance.

"Are these Baby Pokemon your first choice? Owing to the fact that they are so frail, I will permit them to be used simultaneously against my Onyx."

Brock's voice boomed across the room, giving an echo despite the open roof.

"Yeah, sure. Can I send out another if they go down?"

Brock nodded, not bothering to speak. Or open his eyes. Seriously, that's creepy. Did he look down too much?

"Without further ado, let the Gym battle commence!"

Onyx surged forward at an amazing speed, almost crushing the Pichu, who barely dodged to both sides of it. Cooper jumped onto it's back while YY was chased by the giant snake. Making tight circles the monstrosity couldn't make, it kept it distracted while Cooper climbed the length of it. Upon reaching the horn on its head, it let out a squeak, almost in the form of a question.

"Go for its eyes you sly rodent you!"

Affirmative squeak. Is it a talent or a sign of madness that I know what my pokeman is saying? Or even, just the approximate state of mind it indicates?

Either way, Coops managed to hit the giant snake in the eye with it's tail and send an electric shock through it.

Now, people might wonder how this would work, as Cooper is an Electric type, which would do no damage to Rock types.

However, high school taught me how circuits work, and how to get around this. The ground is well, a ground. If the 'battery' (the electric pokemon, upon using its attack) and the 'lightbulb' (the rock pokemon) are both touching the ground, it will do nothing because the source of electricity is grounded, which causes the electricity to flow through it harmlessly.

Now, what happened between Cooper and the Onyx just now is slightly different. The source of electricity was touching the lightbulb without touching the ground. This caused the electricity to be delivered as intended.

Painfully. To the eye, no less.

Onyx fell over in a heap while roaring in pain. The roar sounded like a slab of rock getting ground against another slab of rock….while in space. I don't know, space makes everything cooler.

Nothing can be heard in space? WELL HOW WOULD YOU KNOW, ever been to space? Didn't think so.

That whole roaring in pain thing would have been good and all, but Cooper fell off and suffered an 8 meter fall onto his back, and the Onyx landed on YingYang's long tail.

Both of my Pichu were out for the count, and Onyx was getting back up.

Not good.

I returned the valiant warriors to their mini hotels, contemplating just what the hell I should do next.

Nuzlocke told me this was all happening for a reason...wait, no. Wrong story.

Sorry.

"Send out your next Pokemon, challenger! Otherwise you forfeit the match!"

Brock's taunting didn't help. Though I just realized the fact that Brock contains the word rock in it. How punny. It just so happens that today is Punday!

Onyx turned to look at his trainer, only to be hit sidelong by a blue blur.

It turned to hit said blur with its tail, but it made a quick jump to the side, avoiding the rock tail.

It ran back up to me, and I nearly shit bricks.

It was Eevee. But, it wasn't. It was blue, had a fish tail, a finned collar, and looked like it had just taken a swim. It had blubber instead of fur, almost like a seal.

Dex chimed, attempting to be useful.

"Vaporeon, the Aquatic Pokemon. Vaporeon is an evolution of Eevee that occurs when exposed to a Water Stone. It is able to expel jets of pressurized water from its mouth."

Water, huh? Perfect for giving Onyx a much needed bath. Seriously, it smelled worse than my room after doing 25-man Deathwing on Heroic.

"Vaporeon, drench that Onyx! Make sure to keep it PG-13 too!"

I do think that was pretty clever, if I do say so myself. Foamy water. It's white. Hah.

On cue, it leapt backwards towards Onyx, which tried to dodge, but ended up with Vaporeon on its midsection. Aiming straight at its large head, it let forth a foamy stream of water that causes the Onyx to squirm in agony before falling to the ground.

Vaporeon strutted along the top of the Onyx, before putting a small burst of water in Onyx's face, before scampering over to me as I approached Brock, who looked shaken. By electricity! ZING.

Wait. Vaporeon just spit in its face. AWESOME.

"What is this I don't even...the heretic Nuzlocke must be responsible for this!"

Lulz, he thinks I obey physics. I couldn't EVER do that when I have the power of SCIENCE! Okay, and maybe more luck than a drunken Irishman on Halloween passing out beer to all the little children. Well, not that I did that back in the day...

ANYWAYS.

Did he just say Nuzlocke? +1 respect for the man in brown! Web comics make for the best references!

Brock was now fishing in his pockets for something…..and pulled out a dead bird…..yeah, no.

Just kidding, he pulled out a shiny rock. With shaky fingers, and large, manly tears in his eyes, he handed me the shiny rock.

That's when it got more awesome then your average crying man giving a pale and undernourished nerd a semi-rare item. Though, I imagine that there's a crap ton of these things in existence, and that his pockets are jammed full of the, because of the sheer number of trainers in every town, and each of those around a Gym Leader are almost as strong as the Gym leader.

As soon as my fingers touched the rock, which is obviously the Gym Badge, I saw some weird red aura envelope me, and shoot into my balls. The ones with the Pokemon in them, of course. Sheesh.

I have no idea what that was, but it was AWESOME.

"This….is the Boulder Badge. Possessing it slightly boosts your Pokémon's attack power, as well as allowing you to train Pokemon to a higher degree of refinement without them becoming unruly or disobeying you. It is also required to challenge the next Gym Leader, who is in Cerulean City, east of here.

Though, I must ask you, how did you just do that? You used the sheer size of my Onyx to offset the small size of your own Pokemon, but instead of attempting to wear it down, you simply brute forced it in three hits…an unorthodox method, to be sure, but rare to work so well with such a relatively new team. Would you be willing to allow me to accompany you on your journey? I feel I have much to learn, even simply through observation."

He looked at me, eyes still closed, and I saw a pleading look in his uh…..eyes? Eyelids, at any rate. He seemed pretty honest about it, but I had a few misgivings about it.

"But what about the Gym? Aren't you supposed to be here whenever a person wishes to challenge you for the badge?"

He laughed, then waved at a door near the back of the gym.

"Actually, I retired from being a Gym Leader a couple years ago, after Red became the Grandmaster. My younger brother Is the leader now. I was just standing in for him while he was visiting our aunt in Saffron City. She doesn't exactly….ah…favor me, so he was the only one invited. He'll be back by them middle of the afternoon."

Cool, his family hates him too. Two donkeys in a rickshaw full of fat guys. I was still unsure, so asked him the real deciding factor:

"Butcher or Sandraker?"

He tilted his head, looked me over, then assumed an open-mouthed expression, before shouting suddenly.

"MAKE THE BUTCHERS PAY FOR WHAT THEY'VE DONE!"

We high-fived, and the seeds of a grand friendship were planted. He locked up the Gym after returning Onyx to his Pokeball and my own Pokemon climbing all over me. Sky sat on my head, the Pichu brothers on my shoulders, Vaporeon trotting along beside me, and Simon riding on Vaporeon's back, flapping its wings contentedly. Everyone was returned to their pokeballs for the trip to the Pokecenter, after which they returned to their familiar states.

I went to the Pokemart to restock on valuable supplies, namely granola and monster, but also some potions and a few more pokeballs. I decided I'd catch any pokemon I actually wanted, but no more than one from each general area. I paid for my purchases and left, meeting up with Brock, who was wearing a backpack and holding three Pokeballs.

Wait, three?

He only used Onyx against me…..I'm actually rather worried now. Do they hold like super-powerful pokemon that he wouldn't be able to use against trainers who are just starting off? If I remember correctly, the Boulder Badge used to be like the 6th one to obtain or something…..definitely not nubcake Mc-noobitron status.

In ant case, as we set off down the path to Mt. Moon, he casually threw them overhead and sent out his pokemon.

None of which were in the least bit threatening, at all.

One was a small walking tree with no arms. Another was a small pink ball with large red eyes and a little tuft of pink hair atop it. The last was a blue little mouse….thing….that didn't have any arms either, and bounced around on its blue ball of a tail, which was connected to it by a zigzagging stretch of skin….bone….something. So yeah, non-threatening to the 9001th degree.

"What in the everloving hell man…"

To which he cooly replied with "Hey, I said I wasn't a Gym Leader anymore. I'm a Pokemon Breeder now, and these three are my newest batch. That's Bruce the Bonsly, Tiffany the Igglybuff, and Mimi the Azurill."

SWEATDROPS EVERYWHERE-Hey, is that a gnome?

Like really, there's a little pink gnome looking out of the grass. The dead eyes are on me. I MUST HAVE IT.

Springing into action, I dropped to the ground and grabbed the thing with both hands, but it was putting up quite a fight. I looked at Vaporeon, before holding it out to the extent that I could with it squirming all around.

Vaporeon sprayed it in the face with water, and for a split second it stopped moving. Taking a chance, I let go for a split second to snatch an empty pokeball out of my bag, and doing another Ghostbusters style capture. It screamed the whole time, but I had to listen to my mother for years, so it wasn't anything I wasn't used to.

The pokeball didn't want to stay closed, to I set it on the ground and sat on it.

It stopped moving pretty quick, after which I held the pokeball aloft and stated "I claim this Pokemon in the name of empty soda cans!"

We started walking again, and every so often I'd send my pokemans into the underbrush to fight something, or they'd go on their own. I had to specify no gifts though, after Sky returned with the top half of a Rattata. While I do absolutely FUCKING HATE Rattata, I don't need to see the result of slicing one's stomach open.

Brock only watched with a rough look of distaste, which lasted all the way until we got to the Pokemon Center at the foot of Mt. Moon.

He pulled me aside when I tried to go in, pinning me against the wall.

"Uh, you know man, I'm not interested in this kind of relationsh-"

He looks MAD. Not just at my bad gay joke either.

"You just let your Pokemon KILL those innocent wild pokemon! Have you no shame! How about values? I'm sorry, but if you're going to continue to be such an arrogant and spiteful person, I'm going to leave. Actually, no, I've made up my mind, I'm going back to Pewter City. I mean no disrespect to you, but I do not agree with what you're doing. Goodbye, Seth."

And with that, he walked off into the darkening twilight.

What a moody guy.

Oh well, I need to rest up to be able to get through this mountain with my 7-man wrecking team. OR at least crawl through it while jumping at the slightest noise. Yeah, I can definitely do that.

I wonder if this mountain has Wi-Fi?

**A/N: Random update to the story! Title change!**

**May or may not have the urge to write another chapter soon! **

**In any case, I was going to have Brock follow him around, anime style, but I scrapped him once I couldn't figure out how to do it goodly enough. I'm just proud that this story made it past the first Gym! The story this is in the general style of does not make it to the 1st Gym, sadly. :( **

**Next chapter, if and when that occurs: GRINDING AND MT. MOONING: NO PUN INTENDED**


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